Extreme Heart Makeover: Submit Or Suffocate?

With one single observation, she changed everything.

"How can your husband learn to be the leader and head of the family if you give him no say and no opportunity?"

We should all have a best friend brave enough to speak the truth boldly.

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The truth hurts. I had done it again... I hadn't been respectful of my husband's role as the leader and given him an opportunity to learn to lead, and she was calling me on it. She knew me inside and out.


A few weeks back, I had expressed my concern to her about my need to become more disciplined with my priorities and my time. Balancing family/kids/adoption, church & Bible Study, a full time job, mission work & fundraising, advocacy and writing/photography... it's a challenge many of us face, and one I had been praying about.

So imagine her surprise when I excitedly called her last Thursday to tell her about a ministry opportunity in the Democratic Republic of Congo, in Africa, where we both feel led to work. This organization covered so many interesting opportunities; micro-finance, sponsorship, orphans & widows, education, health care, and so much more. They needed someone bilingual to help create a Canadian chapter of their organization. I understood their vision, loved their Christian foundation, I already had a heart for Africa, I knew how sponsorship worked, and I speak fluently in French and English. Perfect, right? They thought so.


My husband had been away on business for a few days, and I hadn't had much of a chance to talk to him about this opportunity. In the meantime, I decided to keep meeting with the head of this organization to learn more while my husband was away. The more I learned, the better it sounded, and the more my excitement grew.


Until her statement stopped me dead in my tracks.


I'll admit that I felt a little defensive initially. If I talked to my husband about it, would he actually listen? Most of the time, he didn't seem to, so was there much point? Would he really understand? What if he said no? Is this something he'd consult me about if the tables were turned? I'll be honest, getting involved with this organization was something I wanted to do, and I briefly felt somewhat resentful that I had to ask his permission.

The more I prayed about it, the more I realized she was right. My attitude and actions in this did not honor my husband or our marriage. What I needed to do was to submit to his leadership and yet lead by example -- needless to say, it's a very delicate balance that requires an incredible amount of faith and courage for a woman like me.

Ask any abuse victim -- they'll tell you that the word submit is a difficult one for them to swallow; a word that until a few years ago sent chills down my spine. I could die to self for God, for my children, for my friends... but for a man?

I spent the first 18 years of my life controlled by a man determined to destroy me, I was forced to die to self for him until I died on the inside... and that led me to spend most of the next 18 years determined never to trust another man with my life -- my husband included. As you can imagine, that has made for a very difficult marriage. Being under his secular leadership has been very difficult, and my reaction was to attempt to protect myself by keeping him at arm's length and digging my heels in even more. In the end, my determination to not be hurt had managed to hurt me by robbing me of a healthy marriage.


By not submitting to my husband, I was seizing the life out of our marriage, suffocating his potential as a leader. Men need to feel respected and adequate in order to feel loved and wanted, and my actions did the opposite. I felt remorse.

I desperately wanted a husband I could trust to lead me in the ways I needed to be led, but I kept getting in his way. How can I complain about his leadership when I haven't led him in the way I want to be led? When I haven't respected him the way I want to be respected?

When I haven't given him a chance?

Wouldn't he be more responsive to my needs if he knew that I had his best interests at heart too? It had to begin with me, again.

If I want him to be a Godly husband and leader, it starts with me. I need to become a Godly wife in every aspect of my life.

"Change ME, Lord, into the woman you need me to be for him, so that you can change him into the man You need him to be for You."

I knew the "change me" prayer very well. It's been a process I've been walking for the past few years. God has been generous with opportunities to put it into practice, and I recognized this as yet another opportunity. I'm not worthy of the patience He bestows, and yet He richly blesses me... I didn't want to waste this precious lesson.


I called my husband and specifically told him that I wanted to talk to him about this opportunity when he returned home. On the way home from the airport, he honored his word. We talked... and he listened. Really listened. I explained what I knew of the organization, how it worked, what they needed, what our potential roles might be... there was an opportunity for him to do some architectural design work, and for me to work in various roles. I asked him if he had any thoughts, concerns or objections. He agreed to meet with them about the architectural project, and voiced his concern about the investment of time. He pointed out that he already struggled with my commitments to various Christian activities, such as two Bible studies and church on Sundays, and add to that time at the gym, he felt I was away from home quite a bit already and that he would find it difficult for me to spend even more time away from home.


Taking time to pray over our conversation, I began to realize that not only would I need to meet with this organization several times a week, but once it took off, it would require even more of my time.

How much time would that take away from our three children? Would it be fair to our family for me to continue with this commitment? What would become of this commitment once we got the call about our adoption? Would it be fair for the head of this organization to keep investing time in me when I may have to drop everything in a a few weeks/months when we finally get that call?


Thinking back to the conversation I'd had with my best friend a few weeks ago about praying and surrendering my time to God and let Him help me set my priorities, I realized that by speaking to my husband about this, God was helping me answer those prayers.

What would I have missed out on if I had refused to submit?


I approached my husband about it, and explained that although I had a passion for what this organization was doing and that I knew I had a lot to offer, I had made the decision to heed to his leadership and step down as a potential candidate. It was important to me to honor his feelings and respect his concerns about time commitments, and I made sure to let him know that this was a decision made intentionally with him and our family in mind. I needed him to know that he was right, and that I agreed with him. (I may or may not have grinned and told him he might want to have that in writing...) I also explained that I wanted to be careful not to give him a negative impression of Christian mission work, that there were ways to be involved in Christian mission work without it compromising our family relationships. Last but not least, I told him that if I wanted him to be a good leader, if I wanted him to also respect me, I had to be the one to lead by example. It was important to me to communicate all this to him because I wanted him to understand the reasons for my decisions.


It was obvious by his response that he was appreciative of how I had handle this and of my decision. I could tell that he didn't take it lightly, and that he understood how significant a turning point this was.


In the end, God showed me that when I struggle to trust others, I need only to remember to trust Him. When I struggle to submit, I need only to remember that by submitting to my husband, I am submitting to God's plans for my life. I saw evidence once again that leading my husband to become a leader by submitting to him is possible, and the only way I'll lead is by example -- by changing myself so that He can change everything else through me.


Submitting to him had answered my prayer to protect establish priorities and protect the time I was given to take care of those priorities.


Ironically, where submitting once felt suffocating, like a death sentence... it has become the extreme opposite. It has given life to my marriage and liberated me from the chains of my past.


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Extreme Heart Makeover: Career Edition

The conversation on Sunday night was unexpected.

First, he was awake.


Wives, women, you very well understand that having a man awake during conversations just makes things go so much more... mutual. In our marriage, bedtime conversations are rare; he's usually asleep before his body is horizontal. This alone made the conversation unexpected, but it's really the topic that took me by surprise.


What I might have expected (other than snoring, that is) was "let's go somewhere this weekend and do something..." or perhaps "what are your plans for tomorrow?"


Not "I want to go back to school and completely change career fields."


(**cue screeching halt and chirping crickets **)





My husband has been in the architectural engineering field for so long that in many ways, it has become a part of who he is. For years, this identity consumed him and fought for first place in his life. Too much weight was placed on his workplace successes in order to compensate for the lack of control or successes he felt in other areas of his life.



He recalls the years when work was an escape and admits that it was a vicious cycle; life at home was difficult because of his workaholic ways, and the difficulties at home only served to further his devotion to work. It matters not as much what came first, the chicken or the egg, as much as it matters that the cycle has been broken.


When I began to pray for Christ to change me, everything changed, especially our home life.

Gone were his 70 hour work weeks and the identity so intertwined with his profession that one did not know where work ended and life began.

Although he still enjoys his job and takes pride in working hard and being respected in his field, his heart is changing. Where work was once life, life is now lived with family, seeking more meaning, more depth, more truth. Peace was found.



I had held the power to push him away, but when I gave up that power and surrendered to Christ, Christ gave me what I needed to draw him closer -- an extreme heart makeover.




The changes in my heart have changed his heart, and evidence of his heart's softening has been growing over the last few years. Although it has become evident in big ways, such as his desire joining mine in wanting to grow our family through adoption, it's often noted the most in little things, the ordinary miracles. No matter how little, they take me by surprise and aren't taken for granted. Remember the crayons? Or how about the dying moose?


The source of the changes is evident; I am awed by how gently and sweetly Christ is moving his heart. I can't help but wonder if he is aware of what's happening, if he notices the changes in his life, in his heart, and if he knows the difference is Jesus?

Even if he's not aware of the changes, I'm noticing.

Last night's conversation was evidence of that change.

"I'm no longer satisfied working in an environment designed to make someone else rich... there's so much more to life. I want to make a difference, to do something meaningful... I want to do something that helps people."

"I've been thinking about my father, how he grew up with dreams of becoming a pilot. Whether through circumstances or choices, those dreams went unfulfilled... those dreams died when he did. I don't want to follow the same path. Life's too short to waste it doing something that doesn't have meaning. I grew up wanting to be a policeman, and although I'm successful at what I do in the design & engineering field and I've enjoyed my career... more and more, my heart is longing for something else. I think it's time to consider making some changes and following through on those dreams before it's too late."

I've always known about his dreams to join the police force. Truth be told, I had apprehensions all along because I had doubts that his motivation was in the right place. Now, although his dreams are the same dreams he had as a child, his heart has changed his reasons and erased the doubts I had.


He is searching for truth, truth that is stealthily taking a hold of his heart leaving him hungry for more. He wants to make a difference in the life of someone else. He wants meaning and purpose, he wants to help those in need.

Remarkable... remarkable for a man whose response years ago to those in need was "that's not my problem". Especially when it came to helping people in developing countries. "Their government should be helping them, not us. It's not our problem." Finally, something we agreed on -- it isn't our problem...... but it's our opportunity -- our opportunity to help, to be His hands and feet.

He sees things in extremes, in black and white, without middle ground. People who see things only in black and white and extremes are more prone to depression and negativity. In his eyes, if he can't help them all, he won't help at all -- helping just one frustrates him and overwhelms him because rather than appreciating the miracle of helping one, he looks around and only sees the ones not being helped.

Sometimes, the sheer magnitude of problems faced: the lack of clean water in developing countries, 147 million orphans, over 20,000 children dying daily... the overwhelming magnitude stuns him dead in his tracks and stops him from helping. The difference between he and I is that while he sees only problems that are insurmountable and hopeless, I see only God through Whom nothing is impossible or without hope.

Our focus is simply different.

I knew that underneath all of the tough exterior was a big heart, I just didn't know how to help him, how to change the situation, how to reach his heart and rescue it from being buried alive.

The key wasn't in changing him, it was in changing me.

1 Peter 3:1 -- Wives, in the same way submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives.


Surrender gives life to change. The more we surrender to Him, the more we change. The more we change, the more everything around us changes. The more everything around us changes, the more our life is changed all over again.




ALL in His ways, not ours.

ALL in His time, not ours.